


Re-live (Jeongcheol)

by LaniBlack



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, College, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Supernatural Elements, Tearjerker, Tears, Tragedy, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 05:06:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21440695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaniBlack/pseuds/LaniBlack
Summary: Seungcheol making a deal to Jeonghan's life at the cost of all of their memories together.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 56





	Re-live (Jeongcheol)

**Author's Note:**

> The mentions of the sickness may not be entirely accurate. I did some research on it in order to attempt to be somewhat accurate but there will be some mistakes. If you're someone who get's triggered/annoyed by these inaccuracies, then I suggest you avoid this. If you do not, enjoy! As always my Twitter is @Jeonghanswings hit me up and let's be mutuals and spazz about JC 💗

"Is this seat taken?"

It was a cool autumn evening during exam season. The skies were clear and reddish leaves were dancing in the wind. Everyone was cramming in the library and Seungcheol, for the life of him couldn't find a seat.

He normally wouldn't bother anyone who CLEARLY preferred to sit alone but the thought of going back to his noisy home is enough to give him a headache. He timidly walked up to one of the tables and asked if he could take a seat in a hushed voice.

In his surprise, the waterfall of long, blond hair belonged to a guy, with light brown eyes looking up at him in curiosity. He seemed to understand his situation and with a small shake of his head, Seungcheol finally got to sit down. The long haired boy slowly went back to studying, occasionally taking small sips of coffee.

Seungcheol studied for a while, but his attention span eventually failed him. He rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly and put down his pen. He redirected his attention to the blond head in front of him, the boy who was so focused he didn't realize he took Seungcheol's pen and started scribbling with it. Seungcheol didn't mind though, he had never seen a guy brave enough to leave their hair long, let alone bleach it blond. But despite the bleaching, the hair looked shiny and smooth, and his hand was itching to touch it and let it flow through his fingers.

His curious gaze flicked to the textbook the boy was reading. It read "Understanding Psychology: Theory and Application". So he was a psychology major. He does seem like one. A sharp, analytical gaze and a set of determined lips. Another glance at his phone told him that it was already getting late. But somehow he didn't want to leave. He really should stop oogling at the stranger like a pervert, though. His phone buzzed, and to his alarm, it was from his mother. It must have been almost time for dinner. The slight noise made the blond boy look up at him, and to his surprise, there wasn't an ounce of irritation in his eyes, only genuine curiosity.

He hastily apologized and bowed, thanking the boy before bolting out the library to pick up his call, the dry leaves crunching under his shoes. His pen forgotten.

That was how they met. Seungcheol soon after learned that the boy's name was Jeonghan after "bumping into" him when he was wandering around the psychology building for two hours. He got his pen back, and Seungcheol had asked him if he wanted to grab coffee and study. It almost seemed natural, and after a couple of months, it was impossible to see one of them without the other.

Seungcheol somehow grew almost attached to Jeonghan, finding excuses like "we should study" just to hang out even when there isn't a test to study for. But the younger doesn't seem to mind, always saying, "sure" with an easy smile.

It was a warm Sunday afternoon in one of their study sessions in a cafe when Seungcheol realized something. It was golden hour, the soft glow of sunlight peeking through the window, reflecting on Jeonghan's hair. It seemed to create a halo around the boy, the soft light illuminating his features. Seungcheol sat frozen in his seat at the sight.

"...and working memory is defined as the ability to process and maintain temporary information in a wide range of everyday activities in the face of distraction...." Jeonghan explained. He was always explaining his study materials to Seungcheol because it apparently helps him remember it better if he explained it to someone else, and Seungcheol was always in awe of Jeonghan's ability to memorize huge chunks of information.

"Seungcheolie. Are you listening to me?" Jeonghan looked at him in concern. Seungcheol looked at him wordlessly, captivated by the gentleness in his voice.

"If you're too tired, we can take a break." Jeonghan's eyes shone with consideration.

"I like you." The words were out of his mouth even before his brain could register it and it left Seungcheol flustered and stammering in front of a slightly amused Jeonghan.

It only took about half a year and another confession from Seungcheol for Jeonghan to agree to go out with him.

It was a chilly morning in the park, when Seungcheol stopped Jeonghan on the way to school just to shyly say the words he had been wanting to say. After Seungcheol's stammering and blushing mess of a confession, the corners of Jeonghan's lips tugged up slightly.

"So?" Seungcheol asked breathily after a while.

"So?" Jeonghan quipped, a mysterious glint in his eyes.

"So...will you go out with me?" Seungcheol felt his cheeks heat up and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"I thought you'd never ask." Jeonghan said so softly that Seungcheol thought he was hearing things. So he grasped Jeonghan's hands, startling the younger.

"So, it's a yes? You'll be my boyfriend?" The light in Seungcheol's eyes and the pink blush on his cheeks is almost too cute to handle. Jeonghan bopped his nose.

"Yes." Jeonghan said, slightly blushing too from Seungcheol's choice of words.

Without a word, Seungcheol crushed Jeonghan to his chest. His laugh reverberating through Jeonghan's body, their arms tightly wrapped around each other in the wintry cold.

Fast-forward to three years later, Seungcheol walked Jeonghan to the same park, his warm hands clasping Jeonghan's cold ones.

"Remember three years ago, when I first said I liked you?" Seungcheol bashfully asked, swinging Jeonghan's arm gently.

"You mean three and a half years ago." Jeonghan's eyes squinted suspiciously.

"What?" Seungcheol was dumbfounded.

"You confessed. At the cafe." Jeonghan insisted.

"What— Oh."

Then comes a loud smack and a yelp of pain.

"How dare you." Jeonghan said, still hitting Seungcheol in the chest. "You can't say you like me and then forget about it."

"Well-" Seungcheol said between yelps of pain. "That's different. I love you now."

The smacking stopped. Jeonghan still fumed in anger, but the faint blush in his cheeks says otherwise.

Seungcheol pulled him close and planted a kiss on his nose.

"Happy anniversary, baby." His warm breath creating a tiny puff of white cloud in the air, as Seungcheol leaned in to capture Jeonghan's lips. Even though it has been three years, he still felt his heart burst with butterflies whenever they kiss. He took Jeonghan's hand again to walk him home.

Seungcheol always thought life was supposed to work out how it's supposed to be. You should graduate, learn to be independent, find a job, get married, have kids, then comes a big happily ever after...right?

At least, that's what Seungcheol thought.

Seungcheol woke one day to an empty bed. A sound came from the bathroom. Confused, he walked to to bathroom where he found Jeonghan. He was throwing up.

"Hey, baby. Are you okay?" Seungcheol asked worriedly, patting his hands down his back soothingly and held up his long hair.

Jeonghan continued heaving, his hands gripping the edge of the toilet seat.

"I'm okay. It must be something I ate last night." Jeonghan said between coughing. "You should go to work, don't be late." He gently pushed Seungcheol out of the bathroom.

"Alright. Remember to have some porridge, okay?" Seungcheol obediently went to get dressed. After bending down to scratch pumpkin, their cat, he kissed Jeonghan on the cheek before exiting the door.

Seungcheol's day at the office was hectic, as usual. But he worked hard, with only Jeonghan in mind, reminding him that he has to get promoted so he could give Jeonghan a good life. The life that he deserved. He still had debts to pay off and the rent to take care of. Looking up tiredly from his documents, he stared at the darkened sky outside. He would buy them a huge house, not like the tiny one they're living in right now. Jeonghan could adopt all the cats he wanted. He gazed out the window wistfully, then looked back down and continued to work.

Somewhere in a house a distance away, a man was having his second vomit of the day, waiting for his boyfriend to come home.

Months went by of Seungcheol waking up to Jeonghan's fit of coughs and vomits. One day, Seungcheol's incessant nagging for him to go to the doctor's seemed to set off a switch.

"Just shut the fuck up." Jeonghan said coldly, pushing Seungcheol away without so much as a glance.

Shocked and hurt at Jeonghan's words, Seungcheol could only stare. He has never seen such coldness in Jeonghan's eyes.

"W-what?"

"Goddammit Choi Seungcheol you're annoying the fuck out of me." Jeonghan spit out and stormed out of the house. Seungcheol gaped. Jeonghan had never cursed once in the four years they've known each other. It was as if he had turned into a whole different person. This is not the Jeonghan he knew.

Jeonghan came back a few hours later, uttering apologies and Seungcheol could only hold him in confused silence.

"I'm sorry— I didn't know what came over me." Jeonghan's voiced cracked. "I have been getting these headaches lately and..." He buried his face into Seungcheol's chest sniffling. "I'm so sorry."

"If you're not feeling well we could see the doctor together." Seungcheol said softly, smoothing his hand on Jeonghan's hair.

"I'll just get some aspirin." Jeonghan wriggled out of Seungcheol's arms to the medicine cabinet. He popped two into his mouth. "See? I'm good now."

Exhausted from his long day at work, Seungcheol could only nod and wrap his arms around his boyfriend again, breathing in Jeonghan's comforting scent.

"Let's go to bed, baby."

The morning started like any other, Seungcheol woke up and got dressed. Jeonghan lazily got up just to give him a kiss. Seungcheol's hand came up to his face in a caress, his fingers pressing at his sunken cheeks.

"You're getting thin." Seungcheol murmured disapprovingly. "Have you been skipping meals again?" He remembered the week that his lunches Jeonghan packed are suddenly filled with slabs of beef, more luxurious than his usual kimchi fried rice. That's when he found out Jeonghan had been skipping his lunches and used his lunch money for Seungcheol's.

"Idiot." Jeonghan chuckled lightly, brushing Seungcheol's hair from his forehead.

"I'll make more money." Seungcheol leaned into Jeonghan's touch. "Don't skip meals for me, okay?"

With another kiss on the forehead, Seungcheol was on his way to work again. It was another long day. While he was buried in documents, he doesn't realize somewhere in the distance, a plate slipped out of a grip, shattering against the floor, the shards tumbled away. A body slumped down, the head hitting the floor with a dull thud.

Seungcheol doesn't even notice when his phone started buzzing in his bag with a call he wished he had taken.

He remembered that night. He had just gotten out of the office and noticed his missed calls. He dialed Jeonghan, but someone else answered the call.

"Is this Choi Seungcheol?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"We need you to come quickly. This is Gangneung Asan Hospital."

His heart dropped. Time seemed to slow down then. Seungcheol got on a taxi, something he wouldn't usually do, but he has got more on his mind to worry about the fare.

It felt like it took forever to arrive.

After confirming his identity, he was directed to a lone room on the third floor.

He burst into the room, his anxiety heightening at the sight of Jeonghan lying there, looking paler than usual.

"What happened?" He demanded.

Jeonghan looked up with a weak smile. "I slipped and fell, must have hit my head or something."

The doctor present in the room looked up from his notepad. Doctor Han (as he introduced himself as) said that they ran some tests just to be sure and if everything is fine they'll be free to go tomorrow.

Seungcheol sat next to Jeonghan's bed, giving him a tight smile. "How you feeling?"

"A little dizzy, but I'm fine."

"I'll call in sick tomorrow."

"No— don't miss work because of me." Jeonghan's hand weakly swatted at Seungcheol.

"I can't go to work when you're lying in a hospital. Now, what kind of boyfriend would I be?"

Jeonghan gave an exasperated sigh, smiling. He patted the space beside him, inviting Seungcheol onto the bed.

Seungcheol kciked off his shoes and climbed up, the bed groaning under his weight. He wound his arm around Jeonghan, and just like that, he's safely in his arms.

"I wanna go back home to our bed." Jeonghan said softly, resting his head on Seungcheol's chest.

"Tomorrow." Seungcheol promised him, placing a kiss on his head.

But not all promises could be kept.

The room felt cold. But Seungcheol couldn't recall what was in that room or what it looked like. All he could remember was how Doctor Han's lips were pursed to a thin line, his brows serious.

"Yoon Jeonghan ssi has a brain tumor. Stage 2." He took out some brain scans and documents. "There are a few ways of treatment but we suggest surgery as soon as—"

"Brain tumor?!" Seungcheol shot up in his seat,

"Yes, a brain tumor, and it could be treated-"

"What do you mean? You— you said he's free to go today!"

"IF we didn't find anything out of the ordinary in the tests. But unfortunately— Choi Seungcheol ssi!"

Seungcheol grabbed Jeonghan's hand and rushed out of the door. He quickly walked through the halls with no destination in mind, pulling Jeonghan along. His mind was blank. He didn't even realize Jeonghan had been silent all this time.

"Seungcheol ah." He called, but Seungcheol didn't stop walking. "Cheol ah, stop running. Please."

Seungcheol stopped in dim hallway, the chatter in the distance. They're alone. He turned and faced Jeonghan.

The younger looked at him solemnly. There was no trace of surprise on his face.

He knew.

For a moment, Seungcheol did not say anything. He couldn't. Not when everything is crumbling right in front of him. He realized with horror that Jeonghan had been hiding this from him for at least a while.

"When are you planning to tell me?"

The question hung in the air. Jeonghan's shoulders slumped, he shook his head.

"This is a joke right?" Seungcheol gripped Jeonghan, shaking him in between breathy humourless laughs. "You're pranking me, aren't you? Stop, it's not funny, Jeonghan." He looked at his boyfriend, desperate to find a sign. He shook Jeonghan harder when he didn't respond.

"Please tell me this is a joke. Please." His voice trembled.

The younger could only shake his head wordlessly while looking at Seungcheol with glassy eyes.

"No." Seungcheol's voice cracked. This can't happen. This is Jeonghan, his Jeonghan. The person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, the person he vowed he would give a better life.

"How could you not tell me?" Disbelief evident in his tone, and Jeonghan flinched. Seungcheol had never raised his voice at him until now. "I'm your boyfriend, goddammit." Seungcheol kicked a trash can, it clattered onto the floor. He fumed in silence.

They stood like that for a while. Then Seungcheol heard a sniffle. Jeonghan was crying, sobs wracking his frail body as he tried to contain his tears.

"I... I was scared. I couldn't even...admit it to myself a-and I don't know how to tell anybody and I've been feeling so sick lately I just..." Words fail him and he started hicupping.

Seungcheol felt his heart break as he witnessed this. He swiftly pulled Jeonghan into his arms. Jeonghan's tears seemed to flow relentlessly after that, his thin fingers clutching at Seungcheol's shirt.

"Baby, no. Don't cry." Seungcheol hushed him, his anger forgotten at the sight of his angel breaking down in front of him.

"Please don't be angry at me." Jeonghan said in a muffled voice, pressing his face into Seungcheol's shirt. The older sighed.

Seungcheol could never really stay angry at him for long, anyway.

They got into another argument about the treatment. Yes, Jeonghan was right. It'll be stupid for them to believe they could afford it, but Seungcheol was not taking no for an answer. He could take up extra jobs, hell, he would do anything for Jeonghan to get better.

They initially decided to do chemotherapy first to shrink the size of the tumor.

"You're at stage 2, so the cancer cells are spreading, unfortunately." Doctor Han warned. "You might experience nausea, headaches, and even sometimes change of personality for short periods of time. We'll monitor your progress on the way." Jeonghan was sent back to his hospital bed.

Seungcheol stayed by his bed whenever he can. Some days Jeonghan seemed to do better. But some days he would turn into a completely different person and Seungcheol thought he'd lose Jeonghan altogether.

A month passed. That day, Seungcheol went straight from his second job to the hospital. He walked into Jeonghan's room just to find out he's already alseep. It was another long day, and all Seungcheol wants to do is to pull Jeonghan into his arms and tell him they could get through everything as long as they're together.

Instead, he thread his fingers through Jeonghan's, careful not to wake him.

His thumb caressed Jeonghan's knuckles tenderly, as he pressed his lips to the back of his hand. He stayed like that for a while, and soon, his eyelids felt heavy, and he succumbed to oblivion.

He didn't know how he got here. One minute he's beside Jeonghan's bed, and he's standing in a crowded street in the next. But there's no chatter, no conversation. It was eerily quiet. Everything felt surreal, as if he's in a dreamlike state.

"Hey there young man."

He turned and looked down to see an old beggar sitting crossed legged against a wall.

"Trouble in paradise?"

Seungcheol looked at him dumbly, still confused.

"Tell you what, I'll grant you a wish." The man said with a glint in his eye.

Seungcheol scoffed. What sort of street scam is this? He's twenty-five, not five. "No thanks." He turned on his heel and started to walk away.

"Don't you want to save him?"

Seungcheol stopped in his tracks. This can't be. He turned back to the man, who is now blowing puffs of smoke.

"What do you mean?"

"I think you know what I mean." The man chuckled.

"Who are you?" Seungcheol demanded. But he had a feeling he wouldn't get an answer. Not that it mattered anyway.

"Can you save him?" Seungcheol was never one for superstitions. But whatever this is, if there is something, anything about Jeonghan that he could do, he would take it.

The man sucked deeply from the cigarette, blowing out another puff of smoke. "There's a price for everything, young man."

"Do you want my life for his? Is that it?" Seungcheol stepped forward, his hands balled into fists.

The man's eyes glinted with humour. "You're willing to give up your life for him?" He laughed out loud. "Ah, young love."

Seungcheol lurched forward and grabbed the man's collar.

"You might think I'm stupid, but if it's for his life, it's worth it for me." He spit out, pushing the man against the wall, seething.

The man didn't seem surprised, though, and only laughed harder, his laughter soon turned into coughs.

"Let's make a deal then." He cackled, roughly wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "I don't want your life. It would be too easy."

"Then what do you want?!"

The man blew another puff of smoke in the air.

"I want every memory that you have together."

Seungcheol stilled.

"Every touch, every kiss...you get the gist."

He was instantly brought back to the first time they met, their every conversation, his confession, how he got nervous and tangled his fingers into Jeonghan's hair during their first kiss. How Jeonghan would always smile gently at him and tell him that everything is going to be okay even though they're struggling to pay rent. Everything came back to him. His promise to Jeonghan that he's going to work hard and give him a better life, and Jeonghan saying he doesn't care as long as they're together.

He remembered every morning waking up next to Jeonghan with his hair tickling his face but getting up to kiss him anyway. And how his heart felt like it would burst with fullness everytime he looked at Jeonghan. He meant every word he said when he whispered to Jeonghan that he's the love of his life, and that he'll never be lonely again.

The thought of losing it all...it was almost too much to bear.

But nothing could ever compare to Jeonghan's life. Not even their memories together.

When it comes to Jeonghan's life, he couldn't be selfish.

"Deal or not?" The man seemed impatient.

Seungcheol gazed down at his hands and realized they're trembling.

"...deal."

Jeonghan deserves to live. He deserves to have a life no matter if Seungcheol is in it or not.

As long as he's alive.

He woke up with Jeonghan slowly stroking his hair.

"Hey." Jeonghan gave him a small smile. "You okay? You were talking in your sleep." His voice, though a bit raspy from sleeping, is gentle all the same.

Maybe it was Jeonghan's voice, or his fingers threading softly through Seungcheol's hair whenever he needed comforting. Maybe it was his glittering light brown eyes, or maybe it was his smile that was filled with tenderness everytime he looked at Seungcheol.

Because right then, something inside Seungcheol broke. Tears start falling uncontrollably, the warm liquid rolling down his cheeks like an endless waterfall, startling Jeonghan.

"Seungcheollie..." Confused, he wiped off Seungcheol's tears, his eyes widening with worry.

Seungcheol sucked in a shaky breath and leaned forward to clasp Jeonghan's hand in his.

There's so much he wanted to say, but everytime the words bubbled to his lips, they would dissolve everytime Seungcheol looked into his eyes.

So he smiled. As brightly as he can even though he felt like a broken man inside.

He pressed a kiss onto Jeonghan's hand. Jeonghan will always be his comfort. The only reason he was holding on.

Fast forward to months of chemotherapy. It was evident that the treatment had taken a toll on them, with Jeonghan getting thinner and paler everyday and Seungcheol could do nothing but watch. Watch Jeonghan throw up in the bathroom, lose his appetite, and cry about his falling strands of hair.

It wasn't long until the surgery was scheduled.

Seungcheol had already forgotten that dream he had, with days passing and his memories of Jeonghan still intact. He was starting to think it was only a figment of his imagination. So he threw it at the back of his mind, discarding the thought.

He took the day off to send Jeonghan into the surgery room, soothing his boyfriend's nerves by coming up with dumb pick-up lines to make him laugh.

"Jeonghan ah, I lost my teddy bear." Seungcheol pouted cutely. "Will you sleep with me instead?"

This earned a smack in the chest from Jeonghan. "Seungcheolie! There's children here!" He said in a scolding tone. But there was humour in his eyes and a small smile tugging at his lips, and at that moment Seungcheol was struck by Jeonghan's smile yet again. He instinctively leaned in, planting a tender kiss on Jeonghan's lips.

"What was that for?" Jeonghan playfully poked at Seungcheol's cheek.

"Just wanted to kiss you." Seungcheol tickled him, earning him a fit of giggles.

"Yoon Jeonghan ssi?" A doctor stepped in and signaled him over.

It is time.

"Well, I guess I'll see you after a few hours." Jeonghan said cheerily, managing a small smile, but Seungcheol knew he was scared.

"I'll be here waiting. I'll miss you." Seungcheol reassured him, their fingers holding onto each other for another second before they were separated. Seungcheol's hand instantly felt emptier, colder.

The next few hours felt like days.

When Jeonghan finally emerged though, Seungcheol heaved a big sigh of relief. He peered over the bed. Even when unconscious, Jeonghan was still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

The doctors decided to keep him alseep for a few days to recover and monitor his state. Seungcheol had to go to work again, having used up all of his vacation days before Jeonghan's surgery.

He was drowning in documents when his phone buzzed. He instantly picked up his call, hyper aware of the possibility that Jeonghan had woken up.

"Choi Seungcheol ssi, this is Gangneung Asan Hospital."

His heart skipped a beat.

"He— Jeonghan woke up?"

"Yes, but—"

"I'm coming right now." He didn't even wait for the caller to finish, as he was on a taxi the next second.

His run up to Jeonghan's hospital room reminded him of the first day his boyfriend was admitted to the hospital for fainting, but this feels different. He is excited, looking forward to see his Jeonghan smile again. Seungcheol would be with him when he recovers, and when they are finally free to go, they can start right where they left off.

He pushed the door open, and heart leaped at the sight of Jeonghan talking with Doctor Han, his face tired, pale, but he's awake.

"Jeonghan." He called out breathily. Both Jeonghan and the doctor's head snapped to him.

Seungcheol had imagined this scanario many times in his head. He thought about how Jeonghan's lips would stretch to the biggest smile and would jump to his arms. Seungcheol would then take him back home, where they belong.

But instead, Jeonghan's eyes only sparkled with genuine curiosity. No hint of recognition. No elation. It was as if...

As if he was looking at a stranger.

Everything stopped. Seungcheol's heart stopped.

"Choi Seungcheol ssi!" The doctor talking to Jeonghan looked at him in alarm. His eyes flickered between Jeonghan and Seungcheol, as if he knew something they don't.

Doctor Han hastily shuffled to the door, casting an apologetic look to Jeonghan before ushering Seungcheol out and closing the door behind him.

"Choi Seungcheol ssi." The man regarded him with a cautious expression. "You might want to take a seat."

Jeonghan lost his memory of the last five years.

His last memories were getting into university as a freshmen. Seungcheol met Jeonghan when they were sophomores.

Seungcheol listened to Doctor Han explain, his eyes staring into space.

That was what that dream meant. The cost of all their memories together.

"C-can I see him?" Maybe there was a way to make Jeonghan remember somehow. There's always hope, right?

"It's best if you don't...telling him that he lost 5 years of memories would be too overwhelming." He patted Seungcheol's shoulder. "I hope you understand."

"When do I get to see him, then?" Seungcheol insisted.

Doctor Han hesitated.

Oh.

And here it is.

"...I understand." Seungcheol's voice sounded oddly hollow. Detached.

Pushing open the doors, he walked out of the hospital with the knowledge that he can't see Jeonghan, at least for a long time.

He walked mechanically back into their apartment and looked around. Everything reminded him of Jeonghan, and Seungcheol didn't know if he wanted to scream or cry.

He did neither.

Instead, he lapsed into silence, packing his bags to clear off any evidence of himself.

Jeonghan would come home thinking he had been living here alone for all this time, that he hasn't woken up everyday with Seungcheol beside him, or that they haven't had fights and made up in this very living room.

Seungcheol stopped himself before his thoughts take him any further. Jeonghan's life has nothing to do with him now.

Seungcheol revved the engine of his car. He would go to his parent's for now to stay for a while.

His mind was almost numb when he drove out of the neighborhood, his eyes barely grazing the familiar sights. He doesn't even realize he was gripping the steering wheel too tight until he glanced down and saw his white knuckles. He returned his gaze onto the road, but his vision was blurry. He angrily wiped his eyes, pressing harder onto the accelerator, adding mile after mile between himself and their apartment.

He drove until his tears made it impossible to see anymore, and he slammed onto the brakes, the car skidding to a halt on the side of the road.

Choked, broken sobs sounded from the car. He's pathetic, he knows.

Jeonghan is alive. That's all that matters. But it doesn't make it any less painful.

He was supposed to be happy that Jeonghan is alive and breathing. But why does it feel like he had lost everything he has ever known?

And yet Seungcheol didn't feel an ounce of regret. A price for Jeonghan's life. If he ever gets to choose again he still would choose saving him. A thousand times over.

The radio was on. Seungcheol let himself be distracted, even just for a while. The host was giving out advice, something along the lines of helping a girl get over her boyfriend.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." The host said.

Bullshit. Utter bullshit. Seungcheol had punched the seat of the car. It is not supposed to be over with Jeonghan. He was prepared to spend the rest of his life with him. He thought they had time. They deserve more time.

He didn't even get to say goodbye.

"Jeonghan ah..." He called out to nothingness.

4 years with you was the best thing that has ever happened to me.

-

Life goes on, for the most part. There are days when Seungcheol would wake up fine, and days when he couldn't fall asleep. There are days when he would wake up crying because of the emptiness in his chest, and days when his hand would stretch to the other side of the bed only to notice that it was bare.

Seungcheol went through day by day. His days turn into months, and then a year.

Seungcheol still keeps in contact with Jeonghan's parents. They said Jeonghan wants to keep pursuing his psychology degree, and so he's in school again. As for Seungcheol, he resided in Daegu for a year before coming back to Seoul for his job as a personal trainer. It's been a month since he had been in Seoul, and he hasn't bumped into Jeonghan as he had hoped. Not even once.

Maybe they just weren't fated to cross each

other's paths.

The leaves were painted with colors again at this time of year, as Seungcheol gripped his coat tigher around his body against the autumn wind. It was late, and Seungcheol was rushing to the library to borrow a book for his colleague. They desperately needed it and vowed that they owed Seungcheol a huge favor.

So Seungcheol briskly walked to the library, mildly annoyed. He would rather be at home playing League of Legends. But a promise is a promise.

Across from the library, Seungcheol's gaze flitted to the window, a familiar silhouette flashing past. Seungcheol stood there, unfazed. He would get flashes of a familiar face occasionally, but they eventually disappear and Seungcheol stopped having his hopes up.

He kept his gaze on the silhouette. Whoever's the owner of this shadow couldn't possibly be him, this person had short hair. But the way he moved was vaguely familiar, as he twirled his pen, seemingly concentrating on whatever's on his desk.

As if in a daze, Seungcheol walked through the library doors, his eyes never leaving a certain shadow of a person.

Then he stopped in this tracks.

It's him. He cut his hair short now, sporting a more matured style. But it's him.

Seungcheol stood in his place, his limbs frozen.

He knows he should go. He should walk away. Away from his life, the life he wasn't a part of anymore.

He turned on his heels to head for the door—

And stopped.

He suppressed the urge to glance behind his back, his hands gripping into fists.

He strided towards the table and willed to let himself be selfish one last time, fate be damned.

"Is this seat taken?"

Then he gazed into a pair of light brown eyes.


End file.
